he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
