Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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