I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
