Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
