you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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