i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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