he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
