Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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