Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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