Please, let me fuck your mom
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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