I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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