A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
