Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
