She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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