Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
