People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We have so much sex to catch up on
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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