NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
