so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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