After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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