Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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