Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
