my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
