I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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