so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
