Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just invented taco cereal.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
