Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
