i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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