i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
