I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
