it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
