it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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