I think I died a long time ago.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
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