never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
