someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Randomize
