I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
