what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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