Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
