She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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