meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
