I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
