Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize