Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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