she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
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I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
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At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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