my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
