im six kinds of drunk right now
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
