we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
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She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
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all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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