Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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