we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I could fuck to npr.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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