i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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