yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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