You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
