if you like me you must not know who I am
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
