I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
